The Insane Hunter

[I thought this was cutely funny, so I’m sharing it here.]

Yummy growls with anger and smacks his hand away, grabbing at her clothing.
Yummy: Did you ask my owner’s permission to use me?!
The Hunter rips it away from her and throws it into the corner of the hut.
Hunter: I need none, wench, for I know you are not owned. Who but me would want such a tiresome female?
Yummy: I am owned. And if I am tiresome, you should release me.
Hunter: Yes, by the King as his scribe, I know. But he does not use you.
Yummy: No, by the land. You should ask its permission.
The Hunter laughs for a moment, then stomps his foot on the ground.
Yummy perks a brow at the Hunter’s behavior.
Hunter: Hear me, land! May I take this wench? Answer only if not; keep silent if she is mine.
Yummy listens.
The Hunter listens.
Yummy: Oh, do you hear that?
Hunter: I hear nothing. The land does not want you, wench.
Yummy: No no… You are old, and your hearing is going.
Yummy: The land said, “Release the Yummy!
The Hunter tries to hear, straining his ears.
Yummy tugs on the leash hopefully.
Hunter: No sweetness, there is no reply.
Yummy: I heard it. Not my fault you have water in your ears… or wax.. or your fingers.
Hunter: But even if I released you, the door is locked.
Yummy: You could unlock it.
Hunter: If you behave, I might.
The Hunter takes off his bow.
Yummy: I am behaving. I have not kicked you.
The Hunter licks his lip, tasting the blood.
Hunter: Did you not bite me, wench?
Yummy: Oh…. that. But you tried to kiss me, like I was a girlfriend…
Hunter: So it’s kisses you do not like.
Yummy: I do not like being in this small room either. You should take me outside so I can breath the clean air.
Hunter: Then I will spend no time romancing you.
Yummy: And let me go?! Yay!
Hunter: I will just take what I need.
Yummy: a bath?

[Later, after…. ahem]

Hunter: Stay, sweetness, and be mine.
Yummy laughs. “I cannot be yours.”
Hunter: The land did not call out for you.
Yummy: It did.
Hunter: Then I must kill the land to own you.
Yummy glares at him. “You will do no such thing!”

[And a few minutes later, after I ran to wash off in Monet Pond]

Yummy: Now what?
The Hunter sits shooting arrows into the ground.
Yummy swims into the rushes.
Hunter: Listen to me, land. I mean to take from you that which I desire.
Yummy facepalms. “You are insane. And I am going to bed…”
The Hunter shoots more arrows into the ground.
The Hunter looks up at the sweet voice.
Yummy: I will tell my sister on you!
Hunter: Goodnight, precious.
Yummy mutters. “Insane… age has worn down his brain…”
The Hunter smiles.
Hunter: Insanely smitten, yes.
Yummy: You say that to all the girls.
Hunter: There are none that I desire, other that what I can not have.
Yummy shakes her head at him before running off to bed.


Three Onions

He was a new Hunter on only his second day in the fragrant fields of Agapeo, and he had much to learn in the use of his bow. She took great delight in teasing him, first by mooning him, then by sticking out her tongue. Each time, she danced back before he could clumsily draw his bow. As every arrow missed her, she giggled at him, taunting him with her singsong words, “Neener, neener, you can’t get me…”

But her luck ran out when a nearby Hunter overheard her. HE was not so new, and not inexperienced with his bow at all. He scowled heavily at the girl, his pale face scrunched up in thoughtful dislike. In a smooth motion, he drew his bow and nocked an arrow, sending it flying gracefully through the mid-morning air.

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She woke early, springing out of her bed with an eagerness not seen on most mornings. She washed and dressed quickly before leaving the small camp she had made hers for the night.

His habits were known to her; she had watched him often enough, seen him traipsing through the fields in his quest to capture and use the female prey. And the trap was a simple one: some rope, a trip wire and the weight of a branch. She set it up and then hid behind some bushes, patiently waiting.

She didn’t have much of a wait. The Hunter came running through the bushes, bow drawn, and with a THHUNG, he was suspended in mid-air, hanging upside down. She grabbed the bow away, tossing it into the brush, then admired her catch. The sight of his vivid blue tunic hanging over his stomach, leaving his legs and crotch exposed, cock dangling like a side of beef, brought a momentary smile to her freckled face.

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